I just started my timer. 3 hours. That's what I have to work with right now. I lit a candle — the one I bought as a joke at the grocery store last year or maybe the year before. It's one of those candles you see on the side of the road 'in memoriam' for a crash...a sad sight. Mine has La Santisima Muerte depicted on the front. Sickle, skeleton, holding a skull, robes draped everywhere. Not sure why I thought it was funny. Now it finally starts its burn as I chase something other than death. As I chase life.

I need to change. Everyone does. I need to the most. That's how my brain works. I've been fighting it, but let's not for a bit. Let's do the opposite. Let's work with the brain...see what we can uncover. I am having my George Costanza moment. I am doing the opposite of what I normally do. I am working on one screen. I am doing before thinking. I am writing as I go. I am uncaring. I am DO, not THINK. I am unbothered by outcome. I am excited.

3 hours is about the best way to chunk my life out right now. It's 180 minutes. 180 degrees. 18 = chai = life = luck. I have a goal.

Three months ago I quit my job, I quit lying to myself, and I quit booze. A little over a week ago I finished a long partial hospitalization and intensive outpatient treatment program for Mental Health and Substance Use. It was life affirming. It was hard. I cried. It was the best thing I did. I hope to never do it again.